I woke up last Tuesday to a startling voice message. My OB doctor had called with the pathology results. It seems like a strange concept, but basically they did an autopsy for our baby. We weren't sure if we'd get any answers at all, but were willing to try, in hopes they'd pair with some piece of mind. I can't say the results gave either of us much piece, but they did answer one question.....and naturally raised several more.
Our baby had a chromosomal abnormality known as Trisomy 21, latently referred to as Down Syndrome. I knew this disorder was usually associated with mothers of advanced maternal age (which I am not), but what I was completely unaware of, is their spontaneous abortion rate of 80-85%.
Although I no longer have to wonder if my body failed at tolerating pregnancy, or if the miscarriage was caused by something I did, I still speculate.......Patrick and I compliment each other in every other way, so is the one thing we aren't perfect at: combining our genes to make a baby? If there had to be something "off" about us, why couldn't it be something external, that we could work at fixing, instead of something so unreachable?
We had already considered options in the beginning, when I had my first blood drawn to test for the odds for something of the sorts happening, and no red flags were flown. We both strongly believe that we have no right to reject or judge whatever kind of baby God sends us. If that is a challenge in life He wishes to bestow upon us, then so be it; we'd accept His blessings, and love he/she unconditionally. And so far, the odds of it happening again technically haven't increased.
But now I wonder........Will this happen again? How will it change our lives? Knowing how some people feel about keeping a baby with known disabilities, will our support system be shaken? Are we prepared for such a challenge? Will future pregnancy excitement be masked by fear and worry?
Working in my particular specialty, I see the abnormal every day. I'm conditioned to the point that these particular struggles in life seem normal or common, but the statistics actually say the opposite. Apparently I've beat those odds. So I ask......Why couldn't I have just been one of those women to have a blissful happy pregnancy with a healthy happy baby? I don't think I'll ever completely be that woman. The blissful part has been tainted on some level and my questions are forever unanswerable.
Then there's the fact that twice this week someone has asked how my pregnancy is going, and even though it's been a few weeks, it still stirs "throaty feelings".
Then there's the fact that twice this week someone has asked how my pregnancy is going, and even though it's been a few weeks, it still stirs "throaty feelings".
When did life get so damn complicated?
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