Confusing Times, Indeed

Kudos to you parents who remember the really hard stuff about your kids....like their birthdays down to the exact day and year they were born along with their birthing stats, or what antibiotic they took last and when and for how long. I just remember all the good stuff like how they very first thing I noticed about Dillon when they handed him to me is he had invisible eyebrows/eyelashes, and how Mabel was the exact opposite (but they were both perfect in every way), and their favorite foods or (hopefully) to bring water when we go out to the park. Every single time I sit down to fill out another dang patient portal to get Dillon in with a specialist or for therapy, I'm racking my brain all over again about the fine details in his life that everyone wants to know. "Is she really his mother?" they probably think. "If so, why can't she remember all these things about her kid?" I think I'm just going to create a resume for him and then tattoo it to his back, like that girl in the movie Waterworld.

When I'm not arguing with our insurance company or making one hundred other phone calls to try and utilize as many recourses for Dillon as possible, I'm making sure to hardwire the most important memories into my brain; the memories of my kids being kids. 

Toddlers and preschoolers. They are their own species; a fun and very confusing set of alien-mammals.......maybe even more confusing than men find women to be. I mean, I think everyone is familiar with the whole saying "no" when they mean "yes" thing.........But sometimes they’ll do anything just to spite you, like scream for "Marshall" pull-ups when you try to put on the "Chase" pull-up, and when you grab the "Chase" pull-up scream for the "Marshall" pull-up.........or add a "no" to your "no" to make a "no no", and when you repeat it, adding another negative to make a "triple no". This of course, always means "yes"....or "maybe".....or "no".....or "I'm too tired to know what I want", and as their parents, you're just somehow suppose to know the answer while remaining a stoic rock solid voice of reason.......even though the inside you is slowly curling up into fetal position.

 And then there are the sweet times with a twist of grossness, like when you’re outside scooping up all the dog poop with the popper scooper so your kids can run as wild and free as a kid can be in a metro-yard in the fresh air without stepping in feces and your son runs up to you and says, “Here you go mommy. I found one!” and hands you a handful of dog turds.......to which you do your best to hide your horror and gently reply,” Thank you, sweetie. That was very helpful and thoughtful. Now let’s go wash your hands and don’t touch ANYTHING. Poopoo is yucky, “ treading carefully not to crush his spirits or discourage his help......and thank your lucky stars that at least it wasn't fresh!

And let's not forget their constant state of denial until it's compellingly urgent, like realizing they are the living-breathing-tiny-versions of that snicker's commercial "You're just not you when you're hungry." Or lately our boy has been literally bouncing off the walls before bed (no matter how much gross motor play we do during the day) and when either of us finally get him to sit in the rocking chair he dramatically yells, “My eyes!” as he rubs his fists into them and we say, “They’re burning because you’re so tired,” and he is in REM sleep about 15 seconds later. And on the occasion that he crawls into bed with us in the wee hours of the morning, I'm awoken to, "ROOOOAAAARRR. Shark monster!" which is startling, but still preferred over the sound of an alarm clock.

 How in the world are we suppose to know how to handle every situation?!?!? A couple of weeks ago, Dillon fell asleep on the couch while I was still at work. Patrick, scared to wake him, took the opportunity to give Mabel a bath and start putting her to bed, and when I got home, that boy was still sound asleep. We diligently debated all angles of waking him up verses letting him sleep and ultimately decided to gamble with everyone's night by transferring him to bed, fully clothed and all, crossing our fingers for the best. Ahhh, we were so close to waking him, in fear that if we didn't, he would wake up at 2 am from a great nap, ready to rumble..........but as luck would have it, he slept the entire night!!!! 

Maybe the most confusing part about being a parent is the lacking of individualized owners manuals for each child, since they're all completely unique.......and within themselves react differently to every situation based on their unstable moods. What would the manual be called? "Instructions for what MIGHT work during impossible situations. Full disclosure: As fore-mentioned, we called it an impossible situation for a reason because their frontal lobes aren't fully developed yet and there's nothing you can do about it."
But that's what makes it an adventure, right? It's like they say, "It was no mistake that God made them cute." And it's also probably why they invented Yoga and wine. 

Hello? Was it me you were looking for?

You may have been wondering where I am.......... Why I have't written in so long........... How I could just leave you hanging like that......... When I may come back, if ever.............

Y'all, I have a broken computer, a busy 6.5 month old, and am in the process of packing up the townhouse we've been renting for the last 26 months!!! That's right, it's crazy times around the Carruth household!

Buying a house is consuming in it's own right and because of it, try as we might, Patrick and I had a diffucult time getting into the holiday spirit, but I wasn't going to let piles of paper work, too many emails and phone calls to count, or boxes stacked to the ceiling get in the way of putting up a Christmas tree. What else would I use as the backdrop to my baby's naked butt if I didn't have a beautiful Christmas tree?!?!.......Besides, it's not like I even had the string the lights (Shout out to the saint who invented pre-lit trees!). 

Our hearts have been strung out on a line of nail biting tension since the first week in December, hoping all the contracts played out just perfect with our first real family home and although we've been bumped and bruised along the way, we should ink the final closing signatures Janurary 14, then a whole new kind of chaos can commence! I promise I haven't done anything too extremely exciting in the last couple of months, minus my endeaver with eating a fresh pomegrante for the very first time. I dearly miss writing on a regular basis......if only I had a way of transposing all the pages upon pages I write in my head into the computer without any extra effort on my part.

I promise I'll be back for real sometime soon, realitive speaking. Untilt then, I'm sure you'll find a way to live without knowing my every thought; you wont be happy about it (I can see it in your eyes, I can see it in your smile), but you'll find a way.

P.S. You're welcome, for getting that song in your head. I hope it stays there all day. 

Embracing My Crazy

A few weeks ago Patrick and I went to sleep watching Family Guy on Adult Swim, known to the day-time world as Cartoon Network. The next morning we hit the power button, got distracted, and didn't change the channel for a little while. We came to two realizations.

#1 Cartoon's these days are weird. 
They are nothing like they used to be. Must.....Find.....Looney Tunes DVD's.....and save them for our children.

#2 And so it begins our journey as clueless parents.
The strange looking characters were standing by a large aquarium and one of them said, "I just love animals. They make me feel so calm." This brought a question to my mind. Are fish "animals"?
From there, we did what modern day couple would do: turned to Google for an answer.

Then Patrick started spurting out a whole bunch of words I'd never heard in my life, to the point that I thought he was either making it all up, speaking a different language, or had a severe stroke. Still confused on the actual answer, we were sure about one thing: we are in big trouble when Dillon starts going to school.

To even further crush my ego, a couple of weeks ago we had a meeting with a lender to get pre-approved to buy a house (a goal we hope to meet in the next 6 months). I asked him one question and after a 15 minute long answer consisting of a plethora of facts so far over my head they might as well been in outer-space, I sent my Dad a telepathic message, thanking him for suggesting I become a nurse.

I obviously know nothing and must function in the real world by some sort of God's grace.
So, in the spirit of being clueless, or since one day my son is going to think I'm crazy anyway (because all mom's are crazy for one reason or another) and I might as well live up to it, or just because I can, I hollowed out a massive pumpkin (thanks to Nana for finding and delivering the massive squash to aid my mission) and put my baby in it.

I'm going to be completely honest; I don't think he was a fan. Actually, he was happy as a clam standing up, but after I karate chopped the back of his knees to get him squished into the clammy, slimy, weird smelling squash, he decide that wasn't exactly his idea of a good time. Cracking a smile was clearly out of the question, but at least he humored me long enough to snap a couple of non-screaming pictures after he realized he wasn't dying and definitely wasn't getting out........and then he decided to taste it, which brought on the water works again. I guess squash won't be our official first solid food to try!!!

Crack Kills, Drink Expresso Instead

I knew the time had to come eventually, but it really snuck up on me. 12 weeks is just too short. It's not fair. I mean....he's not even actually 3 months old yet! Going back to work is one of those inevitably unavoidable things most moms of the middle class face, and I'm no exception.

(source)

After a slightly dramatic start (due to my procrastination of waiting until the very afternoon I was suppose to return to get cleared by HR and not looking for my badge until 2 minutes AFTER I was suppose to leave for work), we officially survived our first week. It was hard, but doable, as long as no one asked me how I was doing. Being without your baby is like leaving behind a part of your body. Anytime someone brought up the subject, I had to fight back the tears and fake a smile. Only one person caught on to my scam, though, who pointed out my eyes weren't smiling; I'd say that meant I did pretty good.  

Even though sweet Tanya is coming over to watch Dillon Man (along with her adorable Emmersyn) two days a week to help give me time to sleep, I'm already suffering from a major case of jet lag. When the weekend hit, after rising from the couch in the late afternoon to push through my severe lethargy, I finally made it to the busiest mall in the world, North Park, and hit up the Nexpresso tasting bar for a couple of straight shots, no milk, of the strongest, most potent, options they offer.
Big, fat, oh so delicious, mistake. Did I mention I was at the busiest mall in the world, where it feels like Christmas and Tax-Free-Weekend combined, all year round?  Once my caffeine high kicked in, I was bobbin' and weavin' through the sea of people with a mission to move. Everyone else was in sow motion. I thought I was going to jump out of my skin once forced to stand in a line wrapped around the store.  People could probably hear my heart racing, and with a brow of nervous sweat as further evidence, they probably assumed I had recently been snorting crack in the bathroom (Get it? Because bathrooms are filled with crack.....butt cracks......{weirdest timing ever: a commercial on TV just said, "Shut your crack," as I finished typing that sentence.}) I tried to text through my jitters to pass the time. It was almost harder than texting drunk......like I even remember what that's like, it's been so long!!!
Obviously, and I decided to save the rest of my breast milk for the next day, too scared to play with second hand caffeine fire for any of the remaining hours preceding Dillon's bedtime.
Notice to anyone with little boys: H&M has the most adorable wardrobe for the baby male species!

(source)

I've seemed to forget where I was going with this, other than to express that from now on, I'm going to need a lot of expresso to get through life until we win the lottery.
Anyone know the winning numbers? If you help me win, I promise to share.

Sometimes in Life.......

Sometimes in life you get really lucky.

.......like when there's a grease fire in your oven but you didn't know it until your husband came home and you told him to check the on the pizza because it was getting a little smokey in the house and you couldn't get up because you were pumping, talking on the phone, and feeding the baby all at the same time, and he manages to put out the fire with a pound of flour before the house burns down. 

OR 

.....like when your friends text you to let you know they spared you from the Ice Bucket challenge, since you just recently had a baby. 

OR

......like when you're driving down the tollway, slightly behind and to the left of a work truck, and see a dolly fall out of the back, into the middle of the lane, and as you watch the traffic damage in your rear view mirror, thank the heavens that you weren't directly behind that truck in that very moment, especially since your baby was in the car with you.

And sometimes in life you get really unlucky.

.....like when you can't cook dinner until you clean up the pound of flour from the bottom of the oven. 

OR

....like when your other friends decided to challenge you in the Ice Bucket challenge, anyway. 

OR

......like when you're running late for a dinner date and leave in such a hurry that you forgot to bring any milk for the baby and on the way there you realize you have zero gas, so you have your husband drop you off at the store while he goes across the street to fill up the tank, but you realize as you're standing in line with your formula and wine, that your cash, debit card, and license are hanging on the purse tree, in your date night purse, from the concert the night before.

Believe it or not, these are all true stories (in just the small window of one week in the life of me).....but I have no pictures to prove it......because sometimes shit happens, like my camera having a "communication error" with the computer.......when I even have enough battery to open the computer, since the charger isn't working half the time right now (who knows!!). 

But everything usually (eventually) works out or evens out......which I think is the whole point of this post!

You Down With O.M.?

Let's take a break from the only thing I ever seem to talk about now, and review something amazing that happened way back in April!!!

I'm in complete shock that it's already been four months since Jessica and Bobby tied the knot. How has this post manage to slip through the cracks?

Oh yes....that's right....I had pregnancy brain, and then I lost my placenta, and well....we all knows what happens after that! Luckily being pregnant doesn't seem to disable one's upper body so much, so I was able to do my own hair and makeup for the special event, and I'm all about saving money when I can.....even my toes pitched in to help!

So, back to the good stuff.....Remember that "Friends" episode where Chandler and Monica get married, and Joey officiated the wedding? Didn't you always wish you could go to a wedding where the ceremony was as cool and funny as that??? 

Not only did I get to go to a wedding like that, but in this case, our very good friends Jessica and Bobby were Monica and Chandler, I was Rachel (except everyone already knew I was pregnant), and Joey so happened to be my husband (except he wasn't late, didn't forget his lines, and was dressed way better)!!

It's not everyday a regular ol' girl like me gets to experience her husband officiating the wedding of her two very good friends. If I wasn't crying because of all the lovely-dovey wedding stuff, it was from being so impressed and inspired by Patrick's poise and closeness to God that day......

The poor guy was so nervous, I thought he was going to sprout 100 more gray hairs right there in front of the audience, but you never would have been able to tell if you didn't know him like I do. The ceremony was just long enough, just short enough, had just the right amount of tasteful humor, and I felt so special that he kept looking over to me every so often for support and approval.

Jessica therefore nicknamed Patrick "O.M.", Original Minister (insert the part where you think....that sounds familiar.....doesn't she mean Original Gangster?). She was even sweet enough to invite his parents, so they could witness their son making them proud.

I never thought I'd have the chance to be the Matron of Honor for anyone, and I definitely never thought that IF I ever did get the chance, it'd be so difficult to bend over and help the bride with her dress train, but you can bet your ass it didn't keep me from my duties!!!

A cold front blew in just before the big day and not only were we freezing, but the wind could have blown away a small child, which made for great fun for an outside wedding with outdoor pictures. At least it didn't rain!! During the ceremony, I envied all the guests sitting so close together, bundled up with blankets and cozy coats, while we toughed it like motionless frozen statues out at the alter, more exposed to the elements than any of us would have preferred.......but it was for a good cause. 

If you're wondering if the wedding and ceremony was actually as fun as all the pictures make it look, the answer is YES. Funnest wedding since my own. Period. 

With candy cigarettes to throw us back into younger years, fun music to get groovy to, grandma's pulling dresses up over their heads with excitement, a photo booth with ridiculous props, intensely dangerous hispanic wedding marches, and grooms getting tossed into the sky, there was never a dull moment. 

And I was sober. 

True to form, Patrick and I wrote/played a song for the newlyweds, but waited until the night before, so I couldn't remember my lines. 

After a LOOOONG night of dancing (I was sore for days after; those girls had no mercy on me......Also, aren't Patrick's parents too cute out there on the dance floor? They were one of the last couples on the floor for the "years of marriage" dance), we all headed outside to light sparklers and surprise the lovebirds with a sweet lovey song for the two of them to have one more lasting sweet moment in a romantically light room to close a perfect day.  

To one of my most favorite couples in the world: CONGRATULATIONS!!!!

Losing It (with excitement or insanity?)

I'm seriously about to lose my mind.

Between getting man handled by airline companies and car rental companies and not knowing all the in's and out's of flying with a baby including but not limited to what to do about identification (since I didn't know how long it takes to get a birth certificate), car seats, formula, and the extra weight of general baby crap.....all while thinking about how I'm going to juggle it through the airport on my own with a NEWBORN is about to blow my mind. I'm not even good at navigating airports on my own without distractions, much less with a demanding baby who wants what he wants when he wants it and is devoid of reason. Trying to figure all of this out with that same baby, in a grumpy mood, fussing at me all the while is even more testing. He hates being bored; I don't blame him (I just walked him to sleep and have a brief moment to unwind while he sweats on me......it's hot, but I'm too scared to take him out of the carrier and risk waking him up!).

If I don't have a mental breakdown before then, I'll be flying to Denver in exactly 2 weeks for Lindsey (my long ago travel nursing buddy) and Greg's wedding. 

Remember them? 

The two love birds have been at it for almost 6 years now..........hard to believe it's already been that long since we were living in California and took Lindsey skiing for the very first time, where she gave up, found herself at the lodge bar and met the man of her dreams. And to think.....it was all because we talked her into skiing down a blue a little too early in her skiing career. 

Things will probably get a little wacky.....because that's how we roll.

Leave it to me to let all this snowball on me 2 weeks before a trip! Yikes. Cross your fingers that I get out alive, that Patrick gets there in time, and we  don't end up completely broke or insane in the process! 

Who knows, if things go according to plan, we'll even get to see this crazy girl (Heather) and her lovely fiancé while we're there!

And even better, spend some time with Stu and Lorie! It's always a big reunion when we go to that other D-town we so know and love. 

Either way (smooth sailing or a bumpy ride), it will definitely be another adventure for the books!