Monday, September 17, 2012

Corny Dog Conspiracy

*For context of this true story it's important to know Patrick despises mustard with similar passion that a Yankee feels for the Red Socks.*

He sits beside me with his man style dinner buffet plate of bagel bites drowned in chalula, a mini digorno pizza completely covered with parmesan cheese, and a dry corny dog. 

Me: You're going to eat that corny dog without any condiment? You want me to go get you some ketchup, at least, or mayo? 
Pat: Mayo?!? Are you serious? Gross.
Me: Says the guy that brings his fast food burger home with mayo already on it, gets out the home jar, and adds 3 more tablespoons. I'm just saying, it's already a disgrace to eat a corny dog without mustard; you could at least dip it in something.
Pat: You know what? I going to go get the mustard right now and use it. 
Me: Ppppssshhhtt....
Pat: No, I'm serious! Where is it? I'm going to eat it on every bite, just to make you happy.

He digs in the frig, rejoices in finding it, comes back with a dipping dish, shows me with the fastest glance possible that something is in it, dips the corny dog, puts it in his mouth with a hesitant look and squenched up nose, then runs away to the bedroom.

Me: Are you chewing it or spitting it out!?
Pat: Hang on, hang on, let me finish!

He comes back to dramatically take a another bite in front of me and runs away again, pretending to be in agony.

Me: Is that really mustard, or are you lying to me??
Pat: It's really mustard. 
Me: Actually, either way I know you're lying. Because if that really is mustard, there's no way anyone could not enjoy mustard on a corny dog, therefor you'd love it. But there's also no way you'd admit to me that you liked it after protesting against mustard your whole life, so from now on you'd probably be a closet mustard eater, and run into the bedroom every time you ate a corny dog because you didn't want me to see you put mustard on it. This is like a corny dog conspiracy!!!
Pat: What did you just say??? A corny dog conspiracy???

I got the camera ready and chased after him, just in case it really was true. Such important moments in history call for documentation.

Patrick: It's still mustard! What kind of mustard do you use?
Me: FRENCH! Duh. 

Men and their semantics. 


P.S. Spell check was trying to tell me I didn't know how to spell "squenched", but I was sure there wasn't any other way...and upon my search for justification, I was actually blown away by the Urban Dictionary's definition- "A word made up by illiterate people to replace the actual word squished. Usually used by underprivileged southerners, or people with Down Syndrome." 


So, I'm just curious....What do you put on your corny dog? Do you ever use the word "squenched"?


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