Thursday, June 23, 2011

Cruising Commando

     Don't you hate inconvenient wedgies? The kinda that sneak up your bum in an uncomfortable way in a moment at which either your hands are all tied up or you are in a completely professional and public area where you can't relieve the wad of material from between your butt cheeks? You then spend your next moments concentrating hard on trying not to squirm around and make unflattering faces like a child. . . . . . . "Keep your train of thought, keep your train of thought", you say to yourself, which throws you even more off track. There's an easy solution to this; it's why I prefer to sport commando, which also eliminates the visible panty-line issue simultaneously! Look at me; I'm multi-tasking! In the past I tried to be a lady and experimented with various kinds of sexy and anti-bulky undergarments, A.K.A. thongs, but I could never think of them as anything other than permanent wedgies, which is significantly worse than the occasional kind. When meeting my Mom for lunch one day, she once said to me, "It looks like you don't have any panties on!" . . . . . . . .Well guess what Mom? That's because I DON'T! Now days she doesn't even ask. In case you where wondering, there are only 4 types of circumstances where I consider commando a no go: church, work, while wearing short skirts/dresses, and while wearing blue jeans. Another convenient and comfortable trade I like to practice is the art of free boobing it. You can count me in about 70% of the time, but lets not underestimate the powers of a push up bra for a night on the town!
     Turd Warner is really cruising for a bruising. Some might know them as Time Warner Cable, but in our house, proper names are only reserved for respectable and dependable companies. In efforts not to go off on a bashing soap box rant, I will just explain the my immediate complication. In the mornings after I get off work I always turn the T.V. to channel 744, TBS, to listen to "Yes Dear" or "Fresh Prince of Bel-air" since I've seen all of the episodes and wont feel tempted to stay awake to see what happens, put the sleep timer on, and go to sleep. Lately, when I try to select a channel, the stupid screen goes black and says "the channel will be available momentarily", and it never comes available! I can channel up or down, and THOSE channels work, but never the channel I want. We've never even had as many problems with a Dish in a thunderstorm under an oak tree as we've had with Crap Warner on a regular basis.
     Since I was restricted from listening to my faithfully favorite bedtime shows, I was forced to do some searching for a replacement and came across Roseanne. Now there's an entertaining cynic! It reminded me of how much I used to love that show. Her glass is neither half empty or half full, her life is destined to go no where, she's blessed with a senile mother and codependent sister, they have little money with 3 kids to raise, and yet she finds a way to keep her cool and laugh in the face of virtue. Any time things in life aren't living up to par, I try to compare them to a classic sitcom and realize how funny it could be. And I bet Roseanne always had panty lines.

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