Monday, November 28, 2011

You're NOT My Friend

 Don't worry. I'll find a way to make this video fit in; don't doubt me!
          Are you honest when people ask, "How are you?" I am.

Clueless Person: How are you?

Me: Not great. Could be better. My Aunt is in town, and she's really making my life miserable.

Clueless Person: Oh. I'm sorry to hear that you and your Aunt don't get along.

Me: Yeah, she's a real bitch.

Clueless Person: If you don't get along, why does she come stay with you?

Me: I'm just using her for what I need, and then I'll get rid of her.

Clueless Person: (look of horror on their face)......Oh........okay then..........

     I prefer the name Aunt Flow over Mother Nature. To me, Mother Nature consists of fragrant flowers, green pastures, rainbows, and butterflies. My Aunt Flow can be a real cynical winch.
     It's hard to be friends with something that only comes around to torture you when you have really important things to do, demands full-blown attention, spends all your money on pharmaceuticals and toiletries, and turns your uterus into the size of a cantaloupe. Man, before that last description, I was beginning to think I was describing a dependent gone wrong.......except I guess once upon a time the dependent really did make someone's uterus the size of a cantaloupe and then the size of a watermelon......and then it came out screaming and pooping.....but turned cute long enough to make everyone fall in love with it (like the the two kids in the above video)....... Auntie F is never EVER cute.
     It's also hard to be friends with liars. CVS, is currently on my Doo-Doo-Hair-Balls-List. Yes, I am well aware that I just unconventionally described what some people may refer to as a Dingleberry, but quite frankly, my way is more fun to say. You're skating on thin ice when you lie to a woman with PDPMS (Pre-During-and-Post-Menstrual-Syndrome). I would not have took the time away from my precious future cheese and bacon filled omelet to park and walk up to locked doors in 40 degree weather wearing nothing but a cotton shirt and non-windproof cotton pants after a 12 hour patience-testing night of work, had I known the sign was full of lies.

I should have known a CVS that isn't open for 24hours would be shady.

     Hindsight: You know how they say, "Don't text while driving".....or "Don't Facebook when drunk".....or "Don't Tweet ever because it's stupid".....? They should probably make a new one called "Don't Blog while on the Rag".


     Just so we don't end on a bad note: Patrick is either ridiculously sweet, or unbelievably scared of me during this time I spend with my non-existent relative. . . . . . . I'm going to go with "ridiculously sweet", since that's why I married him. I woke up an afternoon this weekend to a one of the best surprises a girl could ask for: a cleaned and organized garage! But the best part is I didn't even have to ask.

Do you have any enemies? Any "loving" nick names to reference your body's "blessings" that some people may not understand? 

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