Monday, March 10, 2014

Wiggin' Out

You know it's going to be a great day when you kick start it with getting bitch slapped by an Asian in disguise as a esthetician.
"This feels so good, no? Relaxing, huh?" she kept reiterating to me, as she beat me performed my facial. 
Is this a trick question? I thought to myself.
To finish the hour, she covered my face and neck with ice cold aloe vera plants split into, which I'm not sure actually felt good, or alarming, or if I was just relieved she was done torturing me, but about 3 minutes into it, I'd completely changed my mind. I was about to jump off the table with anxiety over how intensely my face was itching! All I could focus on was the way the aloe was dripping into crevasses, and how the edges of each blade felt like it was lined with a million little fire aunts.
I was at my breaking point of desperation and about to scream bloody murder speak up the moment she finally started removing slivers of the torturous plant from my now baby soft and raw skin. Seriously, that lady didn't leave a single dead skin cell on the surface of my face.
Free at last! I moved on to my pedicure without looking back. Rose covered legs and a massage chair? I think yes.
After a bit of pampering, Chipotle salad, and Starbucks, it was time to get started with the real partying!!
We decked out the hotel room and waited for our Bachelorette's arrival. 
We'd kept the wigs and tutu's a big secret until this point (I just told her to pack a tight black shirt and leggings), and I KNOW after a morning of margaritas she was thrilled she didn't have to fix her hair or try too hard to have the perfect outfit!
Then we showered her with gifts of lingerie, stuffed pizza in her face, played a game of Pin the Junk on the Hunk, and ate cake garnished with a blow job shot in a very classy penis shot glass (Because what kind of bachelorette party would it be without too many plastic peckers?).
With three attendees pregnant (a picture of me at 25.5 weeks and Cristina at 37 weeks), and one other breastfeeding, heading out to Pete's Piano bar was quite the sight. 
People kept giving me the eye and then saying, "YOU'RE PREGNANT? AND HERE?" 
Yeah. So what, assholes? It's not like I have to drink anything other than water to dance and have a good time. 
Later on, we'd be getting in trouble for dancing in the aisles, inhibiting the waitresses from being able to maneuver through the crowd...........
But we decided, what the hell, we'd let our bride-to-be dance where ever she wanted to, and she darn sure wouldn't be doing it alone, and if it resulted in us taking a boot to the curb so be it. 
Besides, I'm pretty sure our boisterous group was a second form of entertainment for all the people behind us. And secondly, we were actually "helping" those waitresses, by motiving them to raise their ambitions of becoming bartenders so they don't have to deal with people like us. 

We got Jess up on stage to stand out amongst the other mediocrely dressed bachelorettes and do the adult hokey pokey (which I'm still editing a video for).

There's just something about a purple wig, amazing purple fringe and leopard lined veil (I know it was amazing because I made it), and gigantic tutu (another one of my side crafts) that demands attention.
Eventually things got too crazy to withstand a wig, so we stripped her to just the veil. Imagine me trying to pull her hair back in a bun and clip that veil in her hair with her wacky self never missing a move to the beat of whatever music was playing. 
I got lots of love for it, though.
Cotton got plenty of love too. 
He/she even got their first lap dance!
Not long after, the future Miss Gonzalez was all partied out.
I'm still deciding if I'll ever let her live down being passed out by 11 pm on her big night, but she looked too sweet to disturb!!

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