A Series of Unfortunate Events: Told

Given my hiatus from the blogging world and the state of my recovering body (AKA bumps, scabs, burns, and bruises), you'd think either my husband started beating me or maybe I was in a really bad accident. As it turns out, I'm just a complete klutz who can barely walk across a parking lot without falling flat on my face and skidding across the pavement as if someone pushed me while I was in a dead sprint, or (a more a likely scenario given my luck) slipped a decomposing banana peel under my unsuspecting feet.

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What is it about time that makes it slow down in moments we want it to the least or speed into a blur whenever we'd like it to stretch on forever?
It's a funny thing, what happens to your mind when your body is acutely aware of it's impending doom. Everything becomes so clear; the world pauses. Time skips a beat. I had an hour to comprehend exactly how bad landing on heated asphalt was going to hurt, but less than half a second to plan how to approach meeting the ground in a graceful manner. Due to the adrenaline of my automatic flight or fight response (which apparently was definitely not "flight" since I lost the battle with the pavement), I was completely oblivious to my ruined pair of dress paints and all four acutely injured extremities, due to the utter embarrassment of getting a pity response from a bystander who tried to make witnessing my cartoon inspired moment less awkward by telling me she was clumsy too.

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It's amazing how much I never knew I use my left elbow until I continuously inflicted torture on myself post injury by pressing it against the driver's side car door to push it open or leaning it against the wall to balance myself while bending over to grab something. I was accidentally marking my territory with blood stains on everything in my path (because getting a bandaid to stay on longer than 2 minutes in 110 degree heat is a joke).
Becoming the stinky girl in town was easy, since I refused to take more showers than absolutely necessary. Standing under running water is quite painful when you're missing your half of your knee, and I'm sure all my neighbors could hear me screaming when the soap hit the raw flesh where all my epidermis layers once subsided.
Not even a week later, our less-than-a-year-old microwave died. Did you know the more you use your oven the more your risk for oven burns increases? If that statistic didn't exist before, I just proved it should. And to think, my hot glue gun burn had finally healed.......
Yup, I'm pretty much a hot mess right now, but the good news is it's not due to an abusive husband. If anything, I'm the "mean" one. Every time I get hurt he's appropriately sympathetic, and takes such tender care of me. And each time he stumps his toe, hits his head on something, or flips over the handle bars of his mountain bike going 40 mph down a hiking trail, I laugh so hysterically it should be a crime.  It's hilarious. I can't help it. And every time, he looks up at me as if I'm a stranger and says, "What's wrong with you? Why are you so mean? Don't you love me?"
I do. I love him. I just have some crossed wires.

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I also love to show off what a good cook he's becoming! A couple of weekends ago, he won a friendly brisket cook-off competition at the White House (where Carrie got bit on the lip by a pip-squeak dog, causing me to laugh so hard I couldn't talk for a solid 5 minutes), and just last week we went over Tim and Lara's house to eat some of Patrick's amazing homemade pizza. I even made some fresh bruschetta using veggies from my garden! Never-mind the dessert pizza turned out tasting like burnt cocoa puffs......it's all about trial and error. Besides, if it weren't for burnt pizza, I may never have fell in love with Maple Pie.
I throw the word "love" around a lot. But I love as much as I laugh.

Do you have a problem with laughing at real life slap stick situations or inappropriate times? Did you know Dave writes about all things in life that are worth writing about?

Pennant Banner Tutorial

Hosting a shower can get expensive, so for decor on a budget I stepped out of my comfort zone to use the sewing machine to make my friend something to pizzazz up her party that could be also used in her baby's nursery afterwards. At first I thought I needed to take my machine to an expert to be tweaked before starting a project such as this, but after a quick consultation discovered it was just user error and my old trusty Riccar 3500 was in mint condition. They just don't make new machines to last this long anymore........

There reason I chose to actually the banners, is so the edges would be sharp and never ravel, they are now machine washable (the last thing anyone needs in their house is something else laying around collecting dust and too delicate to wash), and having the weight of the extra fabric just helps the whole banner itself hang more naturally and not be so flimsy.......oh yes, and it looks so much more official and expensive than just cut out out triangles glued to a string.

The following list will make two 3 yard long Pennant Banners. 

Supplies:

3 yards of fabric (I used 6 colors, 0.5 yards of each) 

2 packages of 3 yard long 7/8" wide double folded quilt binding bias tape

Matching thread

Sewing machine

Fabric pins

Measuring tape or ruler

Scissors

Something to use a template to cut fabric (I used a recycled magazine cover)

Start by measuring out 10 inches by 10 inches on whatever medium you chose to be your template (in my case a magazine cover), and cut it out. Then use your template to cut  24 squares of fabric (each one 10X10", duh). The magazine cover works great because it's easy to just pin it onto the fabric, cut around it, then remove the pins and move on. 

Fold each square in half, corner to corner, to make a triangle.

Pin closed only one edge of each triangle. 

Sew each pinned edge closed, from tip to top. 

Turn the triangle inside out (a pencil works fabulous for getting the tip all the way out), position the seem in the center of the triangle, fold down the left-over material at the top, turn over. Now you have a pennant. 

Iron every single pennant to get sharp edges and keep the top flap from interfering with the next step. 

Starting a few inches from the end of the bias tape, pin the pennants in the fold of the bias tape, positioning them where each top corner of every pennant touches it's neighboring pennant.  

12 pennants should fit on a 3 yard strip of bias tape, leaving a few inches free on each end to use later for hanging the banner.

Sew along the edge of the bias tap, securing the pennants in place.

When all that is complete, you can cut off the little flap left over on the back.....or you could just leave it there.

Done, done, and done! These banners are ready for some action!

......Maybe one day, when Ale finally uploads her pictures from the shower, I can finally show exactly what kind of action I'm talking about!! 

**Edited to add more banner's I've made for shower's**

A Pleasant Surprise

Everything just fell into place, really. I was suppose to work all weekend, so Patrick went to Waco without me for a family gathering. But then a friend asked for a switch, and although only having off one night nestled smack in the middle of 3 is a big stinker, I was happy to make the trade when a friend of a friend offered me 2 free concert tickets to the Gexa Pavillion. 

Gavin Degraw got the night started with some positive energy. He dedicated his performance to the late and great Kidd Kraddick after saying a few nice words, then ran through the crowd to spread the love.  

"Are you having fun dancing alone in the middle of thousands of people?" my brother asks me as he's doing his best impression of a petrified bump on a log. 

"Heck ya. I'm fired up! I could care less about what other people are thinking or doing and you shouldn't either." My kid brother is could probably embarrass himself just by picking his nose in front of the mirror; I hope he grows out of it someday. 

The Script is from Ireland, so between almost every song they made sure to let us know how they were melting like snowmen in hell. "At least we're useful and melt into whiskey," they'd add. The lead singer showed off his major chops by singing "The Man Who Can't Be Moved" a capella, then to perk things up again, asked someone in the audience to call an ex-boyfriend and give him the phone. He verified someone was on the other end of the call, had the audience say hello, and then sang "Nothing" to Carson, the ex on the phone, pausing every now and then to make sure he was still on the other end of the call and holding the phone screen up to the cameras so we could see. "Did you hear that, asshole?" he asked Carson when the song was over, having the audience close the call with, "Goodbye, asshole!" Oh those Irish boys........

I wanted to send the hubby a picture to rub it in that he was missing out on a good show.....obviously Dusty is a terrible photographer because he made me look totally off my rocker. A pro would have found a way to make that pose look sexy. 

Patrick, the lead singer for Train showed a little extra love to the crowd by grabbing people's phones and taking selfies with them, and then walked through the pit after asking the crowd to marry him and sang "Marry Me". When he came back on stage he proceeded to explain how when we walked through the crowd, a very tall man patted him on the head like a dog, "Thank you for that."

In light of the tour being called Mermaids of Alcatraz, several girls and one guy dressed up in their best mermaid costumes for the opportunity to stand on stage and sing with the band.

Who knew Patrick played the saxophone??? Not me!!

Even more unexpected than the sax ,and a very fun part of the night, was when everyone cleared the stage except the drummer, who did a very cool solo to some crazy dubstep music. And later, we'd be surprised once again by a cover to Macklemore's "Can't Hold Us". 

After inviting the country singer Ashley Monroe on stage to sing her part of their new radio song "Bruises", she stuck around to sing a love song of her very own, "Weed Instead of Roses". Have you head it? It's pretty catchy.....almost as catchy has my Hunny's new song.

To close it out, the encore "Drops of Jupiter" was dedicated to Kidd, and I left pleasantly satisfied with by a super fun concert that I never would have bought tickets to on my own, but am so glad I went. 

Warning: Crafting is Hazardous

I decided a while ago that I just didn't like the look of our extra bedroom. It's style was no longer a reflection of my taste in decor, and since my project board in Pinterest just keeps growing and growing, and Patrick was starting to roll his eyes at me every time I brought home another thrifted steal for a future makeover, I figured "it's only the hottest time of the year; what better time to spend a weekend outside working my butt off?"

There should be a danger warning for all the things that can go wrong during a weekend of crafting. Practically just shy of an ER visit, I found myself with a hot glue gun burn to my left hand (skin completely melted off), a stab wound to my right palm (watch out for those sharp objects), a toenail casualty, sore quads, and a beet red farmer's neck tan-line. But it's all completely worth it when I look into the perfectly finished guest bedroom (basically every time I go upstairs, because I really like to look at how cozy it is).

I like to call it my Eclectic Cottage Bedroom, all inspired by a hand-me-down quilt someone really old in my family put a lot of hours into sewing together. Not a single thing actually goes together. Every item has had a face-lift since in my possession, like the mis-matched black dresser and nightstand (hand-me-downs from Patrick's parents to furnish his first apartment when he moved to Dallas) that I painted black some years ago.

#1) For the dandelion headboard I used 6ft cedar fence pickets, attached together in the back with 2 sturdy planks of wood (one towards the top, one towards the bottom) and some perfectly measured wood screws. Then sanded the face and edges of the pickets down to a 150 grit sandpaper.

I stained  the wood with Kona colored stain, using an old shop towel and hap-hazardously smearing it all over, leaving some parts more saturated then others and not caring if all the wood grain was actually covered. The art was then free-style hand painted by my mother and me with black acrylic (beware: two artists working on one project equals some bickering). Lastly, I sealed the entire project with 2 coats of wipe-on Polyurethane. (None of these steps took more than 20 minutes for dry time since we did it outside in the blazing sun, so it only took me about 2.5 hours from start to finish.)

#2) Next on the list was spray painting several items I already had laying around the house, using coordinating colors, to give the overall look a new fresh feel.

I chose a solid antique yellow with satin finish for this chest.

 #3) After sanding off the left over residual from some kid putting stickers down the sides of this mirror in it's former life (I thrifted it for a mere $6), a Colonial red with satin finish transformed it to fabulous and vibrant.

(For the record, we tried a gloss red first, which looked terribly cheap and was completely transparent. The double coat coverage spray paint had the best depth, and prettiest finish.)

#4) My mom's perfectionism trait comes in great handy when it's time to tape things up!

Covering every glass bulb down my 2 candle stick holders and lamp base was a royal pain, but she made it look easy. The gold would soon be covered in an off white with flat finish, to portray a new, but not too new look. (See that tiny little pillow? She sewed that for me to use as the ring barer pillow in our wedding.)

In the mean time, Patrick stayed in the A/C with his sick self and did some laundry.

 And Dusty did was Dusty does best......nap.

 And the puppies practiced making sweet faces during snack breaks, in hopes of pity human food donations.

 #5) I updated this $2 lamp shade with my hot glue gun and some textured fabric tape.

#6) We beautified this cheapo bead-skirt with roughly 6 yards of burlap (I used my 50% coupon at Joann's) to keep the vintage feel alive.

#7) Patrick hung my curtains.

#8) I created a super cheap but oh so adorable wall decal with different sized cross stitch hoops and mismatching fabric. (Remember that teacup trinket I did a while back? It now has the perfect home.)

#9) My unfinished project for the room.......

 ......transforming my chandelier, twice made-over now (used to be bronze when I bought it for $35 on craigslist, painted it black, glued on rhinestones and hung crystals from the bottom)........

.......into a flat white masterpiece to tie the room all together.

Just imagine the Chandy bringing this room to it's full potential!! I can't wait!
 
 See that yellow runner over the night stand? I my mom sewed that for me back in the day....she's so talented. And for the crochet pillow cases, she found those at a garage sale for practically free. The antique rocking chair was given to me by Nana.

 And here's a sneak peak of something I finished for our other extra room, the kpLOVE Studio......

............which opened a whole new can of worms. 

I Married A Genius

Along with a long fairly-tale list of wishes, like being able to wear heels next to her husband without feeling monstrous, or never having to squash a bug ever again, what heterosexual girl doesn't dream of seduction by song, having a man of her very own serenading her with an instrument?

I'm married a genius, a supreme specimen of the male species, a prime example of a husband who knows the way to his woman's heart by making sure the kitchen is always a clean slate for cooking, isn't prejudice about laundering chores, and comes home to look me over in the my most raw and rough of forms with unwashed hair, tattered baggy clothes, exposed imperfect skin, and affectionately say as he's gazing deep into my doo-doo brown eyes, "You look absolutely stunning today."

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As if that wasn't enough, he tells me I'm smart and writes sweet love songs about how much he loves me while I'm at work, spending hours recording them in the kpLOVE studio until they sound like an entire band is in on the action.

Without a doubt, I picked a good one, and that makes me a genius, right? 

Thank you Hunny, for always making sure I know how special and beautiful you think I am. 

P.S. I can't stop listening to this song. 

A Rambling Nutshell

Holy crap-o-ly I've been a busy lady. So busy, I didn't even notice I'd been locked out of my yahoo account for days, due to some suspicious something or another (and now I have ANOTHER new password to remember.....geez), causing me to miss quite a few emails!

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You know those people who actually have crafting blogs? Well, I think they're flat out crazy. After loooong hours of crafting, the last thing I want to do is sit down and write about it, especially after completing 10 million projects in 3 days (okay, so that was a tiny exaggeration for the sake of my point, especially when, me, crafting, usually involves turning the entire house into a disastrous construction zone). Do you have any clue how many unplanned trips to Lowe's and Home Depot I had to make last Saturday and Sunday? I'm ubber thankful my Mom came to help with the slave labor I assigned her to and all the comfort food she conjured up during her stay. And really enjoying the shiny vehicles my brother washed for me while he was sticking around between being on call at work to help out with some muscle tasks. And I can't stop looking at how adorable our made-over guest bedroom is now. More on all that later of course....when it doesn't make me want to gouge my eyes out to write about it.

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In other news, Patrick's been sick (and I think I'm starting to catch it), so the soup legacy continues in our house. I stayed up with him after work for support and with only getting 2 hours of sleep in over a 24 hour period, finally crashed for the night, only to be woken up by him telling me I was breathing too loud (nose whistle). Then he woke me up a second time to tell me his medicine wasn't working and he couldn't sleep (misery loves company). He's curious as to why I keep telling people he has a "man cold".......so here's the educational video.
Speaking of sick, Lucie's had a bladder infection. I guess it was pretty horrid, because after two weeks of taking her to the vet for antibiotic shots and steroids, the infection still hadn't completely subsided, so now we're faced with giving her antibiotics by mouth and changing her food. Ever try to get a cat to take medicine? It's nothing like tricking a dog into thinking their pill is a treat. It's a pain in the you know what. Any by "you know what" I mean "that thing at the south end of your body that #2 exits from".

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And I lost a toenail. Ouch.
A couple of days later, our air conditioner went on the fritz exactly 12 hours after I heard the radio people warning everyone about the triple digit heat advisory, urging the public to tune up their units and check on the local elderly. We woke up, after a stuffy and miserably restless sleep, to the thermostat reading 81F in our house despite the A/C running full blast. So I had to get out of bed at 0730 and blow up the phone of our landlord to make sure it was fixed before the triple digits read inside as well as outside. Just another day of lost sleep before work......

And speaking of radio people, I just can't believe Kidd Kraddick passed away last weekend. Kiss FM has been flooded with calls from people wanting to speak kind words about how Kidd touched their lives in some way and every story tugs at my heart strings. I've never cried over the death of someone I've never met until this week. Morning radio will never be the same.
Okay, whelp, that was my week condensed down to a rambling nutshell!