Reflecting on our Roller-coaster Life of Victories VS Failures
I'm not a perfect Mom, but I'm learning all the time. Nor am I usually the type of person to care about what people think. I'm comfortable with who and what I am, but as a mother, there IS a part of me that cares a little bit about what people think in relation to my children, because they are still learning how to be themselves in this world. They don't deserve awkward stares or harsh judgment yet, especially not based on one moment in time (sometimes not the most show-case worthy moment). But the funny thing is, even though a moment can be perceived to be horrific by general standards, it really may be a breakthrough juncture with victory lurking around the corner.
In order to talk, you must first be able to make noise and WANT to communicate. A year ago, when Dillon was virtually non-verbal and only yelling at us in frustration, Patrick and I thought, "This is terrible." But a therapist convinced us it was wonderful news, because he was indeed communicating, just in-effectively. She taught us how to replace his yelling with words. Flashing forward 6 months, instead of screaming at me when I sing, he says, "No sing." Flashing forward almost 6 more months into the present, not only can Dillon talk in simple but complete sentences, he says, "Sing with me, Mommy!" "Sing louder, Mommy!" "Sing faster, Mommy." "Sing slower, Mommy" "Sing regular, Mommy".....as he comes to get close enough to look me in the eyes, anxiously anticipating the words about to escape my lips. All this stemmed from yelling, a mechanism perceived as something negative.
For the longest, I thought Dillon wanting me to hold him all the time was a fleeting moment......and then he turned 3 and still wanted me to carry him everywhere and I realized we had some work to do. But in order to walk with me in a public place, Dillon must first have the drive and the confidence to walk in public. Up until about 3 months ago, that boy had never set so much as a toe on the ground in public unless it was at a park and even then, he wanted me to hold his hand at all times. Imagine me wearing Mabel and balancing my gigantic 45 lb 3 year old on my hip.......Then imagine tiny little Mabel walking everywhere and me still either carrying Dillon, or hoisting him up into a shopping cart......
The other day we had a break-through incident at Trader Joe's. It was wonderful, yet also terrible, chaotic, and confusing. To preface, my boy is an all or nothing kind of kid with a tenacity that can impress even the most experienced of therapists, who has a voice that can carry through a jungle clearer than Tarzan.
Flexibility adjustment #1: I pick him up from school. He says, "Let's go to the zoo!!" I break the news to him that the closest we are getting to zoo animals today is looking at the painted farm animals on the walls of the grocery store. (This is an eggshell moment, since altering his expectations is always scary. In the past it would 100% trigger a meltdown, but we are making improvements in this area.)
Victory #1: He gets out of the car all by himself for the very first time in his life!!! I'm so proud and sing him praises.
De-regulation incident #1: While he's waiting on me to get Mabel out of the car, he ootches over to the median and observes some bugs. "AHHHH!!! THERE'S AUNTS!!!" he screams, as he races around a couple of parked cars and back to me. During this time a by-stander thinks she's "helping me.......or society in general" by lecturing him, "No running in the parking lot, young man. You need to stay by your Mother." (to which he is terrified and runs even more to get away from her.....)
Victory #2: He walks up to the store with me (our newest normal), we get to the cart and I ask him as always, "Do you want to walk or ride in the cart?" To my surprise he opts to walk! (I almost fell over and died from shock, right there.)
De-regulation incident #2: While I was picking out some veggies, he decides it would be good time to push the cart himself, swiftly knocking several groceries off the shelf, and almost hitting two different shoppers. (It may have taken 30 seconds or less for this is to transpire.) I gently redirect him, which of course ruined his fun and crushed his new found confidence. "I just want to go home!! Let's just go to the red car!" he yells at the top of his lungs as he darts for the doors. I manage to catch him in the middle of the automatic entrance and convince him to stay and count the cows on the wall (to which he reluctantly agreed), and he demanded I put Mabel in the cart (to which I reluctantly agreed).
De-regulation incident #3: Things were going great, until they abruptly weren't anymore and he again decided it was definitely time to go home, to which he bolted, then stopped and started whimpering. When he wouldn't come back, I had to retrieve him and he started yelling at the top of his lungs to go home, threw himself onto the floor in the middle of the aisle and grew roots. Carts were being forced to dodge the planted boy on the floor and after a few minutes I was forced pick him up. "We are going to pay for our groceries and then go home, " I promised. But his emotions where already too high for reason. "Just go home! Just go home!" Everyone was concerned or annoyed at this point. About 3 different people came up to us and tried to offer Dillon a source of distraction, which to most kids would probably work, but this only increased his stress and anxiety, since he is terrified of strangers talking to him and invading his space. A cashier then approaches us to pull us to her open register and get us the heck out of the store. ("Whew, it's almost over", I thought to myself, "We can do this.")
De-regulation incident #4: While the groceries were being ringed up, a well meaning older lady who was probably in her 80's got about 4 inches away from Dillon's face and asked, "Would you like to me tell you a story?" and immediately proceeded into her story as if she didn't hear Dillon screaming, "No! No! NO!!!!!!" I gave her the "thanks but no thanks" response and tried to move on. But the damage had already been done. He jumped from my hip and sprinted for the door AGAIN. Concerned for his safety, everyone in a 10 foot radius started to corral him like a wild animal, to which he responded with horror and ping-ponged his way back to me out of pure terror. (At this point of de-regulation, Dillon loses ability to receive or express most verbal language.......Yay for Autism.........So scolding him would not only be further emotionally devastating, but he would also have no idea what I was saying. We are working on getting visual aids to help for situations like this.)
Comedic Relief (probably only appreciated by me at this point): I pay for the bill with cash, and while the cashier is attempting to count my change back, Dillon decides this is a good time to very loudly count backwards, "10! 9! 8! 7! 6! 5!.........." And Mabel is crying. The cashier's fingers are fumbling around and she's looking very stressed and attempting to recount the money, with much trouble. "You're not the boss of me; stop rushing me" she kind of jokingly directs to my little heathen. (I guess at this point it would have been more appropriate of me to pay with my card.)
Have you ever been on either side of this scenerio?
To digress, it was not what most people would call a successful trip to the grocery store, but it was the cracking open of a door that needs to be traveled through. A step in the right direction. The peeping of a skill that can be built upon, and build we will, I have no doubt. But since he has never walked in public before, we didn't even have a starting point until now. And in the in mean time, we will be breaking all sorts of social standard rules that lots of people wont understand. But some people will, like the sweet Mom of 4 at the mall this week who offered to watch Mabel for me while I chased Dillon down in the overcrowded food court and figured out a way to help him tune out the over-stimulating noise by focusing on a water fountain. I can't explain how much that gesture meant to me in a time of vulnerable desperation.
Do me a favor, in honor of Mother's Day, let's all just offer non-judgmental support for one another and lift each other up in praise, because DANG, "Mommin' Ain't Easy".........and you never know..........that lady with the out of control kid at the store could be me.......and that out of control kid could just be a really sweet (most of the time), adorable pre-schooler with sensory processing issues who is trying to navigate through some really scary stuff in his world. And dammit; I needed some fruits and vegetables!!!
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