Farts and Desitny

There comes a time in every relationship where bodily functions intercede romance, and this touching story from Hahasforhoohas describes just that. I thought I'd share:

The Fart that (Almost) Altered my Destiny 

"Like everything in life, farts have a time and place. However, I never realized that in the wrong time and place, flatulence had enough power to alter my course in history. Well, it can if it's the third date with the man of your dreams. And, if it makes his eyes burn. If God destined us to be together, I was one SBD away from foiling His plans (that's "Silent But Deadly" for you prudes).

It was about five years ago. I was trying to lose a few pounds so I was staying away from carbs. That's when I met my husband, Rob. On our first date, he booked the next two. He liked me. I liked him. Things were looking real good.

He picked me up in a Cobra Mustang, and this pathetic attempt to win me over with a car totally worked. I'm not shallow, but since I spent most of my twenties picking men up because I didn't want my hair to frizz in their non-air conditioned jalopies on 3 wheels and a 15 year old spare, I welcomed his fancy sports car with open arms...."

**Click here to finish the story.**

Awww, reminds me much of the divinely good man I married.


Has a fart ever had you between a rock and a hard place??

Irony in it's Finest: 9.5 Weeks

Tuesday, August 14 was our first sonogram, and we were both super excited to see the baby's heart beat, to make it more real for us both, especially Patrick (who was yet to have anything concrete besides my symptom complaints and a positive pregnancy test to help this whole experience seem real).
Somehow, I was already starting with a bad case of pregnancy brain....or it could have been the fact that as soon as we got back from vacation, I had to work 4 nights in a row and this was my first day off.....regardless, I told Patrick to be at the hospital a whole 20 minutes before I even considered showing up. Of course he was worried about me and called my phone a billion times, and of course I didn't hear any of the calls because my phone was on silent from sleeping!

The sonogram was first on the list at the doctor's office, and as the lights went out and the T.V. screen lit up, there in black and white, the most unmistakable thing came to life in front of our faces. Without a doubt, it was a little heart beat. And it was the most beautiful heart beat in the world; I'm biased already. We both smiled, and the tech confirmed, "There's your baby!"

She pointed out the legs, arms, body and head, since those things took a bit more skill to decipher, and as we watched in awe, the baby started to move around. "Next week, it will start doing flips," the tech said. How super cool is that? 

I think it looks like it's going to have long legs, like us!

It's astonishing that something so small could be making me feel so bad, and yet seeing that tiny ticking heart could not only make all the trouble more than worth it, but could make me fall even more in love. More in love with my husband for helping create such a blessing, and more in love with the blessing itself.
We met with Dr. Burt after that, who said everything looked absolutely perfect. He joked that our baby would be a lefty, since the egg came from my left ovary, and I told him how that would make one of his/her  lefty-grandmothers so proud, and since Patrick's in to baseball it could be another pointer. Then he said, "And your due date is March 17, 2013."
"Isn't that St. Patrick's day?" I asked.
"Hmmm...I think so. Looks like you've got a Junior!" he confirmed after looking at his calendar.
So I guess we're already taking votes on the gender!!! 
We talked about diet and exercise and I was banned from running and hot yoga. Apparently Dr. Burt doesn't like boiling babies or passing out mothers, and he explained that while he didn't doubt my fitness capabilities and heart rate is irrelevant, due to increased blood volume and certain hormones, my risk for joint injury and fainting dramatically increase. (At least he's not opposed to running, period, like my family medicine doctor. I know this because his wife is participating in the upcoming race with us! It's a small world.) I think he could tell I was a little sad, so he gave me the okay to WALK the half marathon in November, play on the Elliptical, go to Spin class, and Swim....he also believes while any form of alcohol is off limits completely, no studies have ever confirmed caffeine to be harmful to the fetus. Thank goodness, because I've been dying on night shift without a cup of coffee every once in a while! 

After getting 4 gallons of blood sucked from my veins, we were set free to celebrate. The first plan of action was to get everything ready for Saturday ASAP.

 We had a sneaky reason of getting the whole family together for the announcement, and everything was coming together according to plan!!!
Waaahahahahaha!!!!!! (That's my sneaky plan laugh.)

That Time I Got Real Lucky

My Nana, Aunt Sissy, and cousin Allison came to visit me for 2.5 days. Since they don't have the opportunity to come to Dallas often, I made sure to take them to all the good places, as time allowed......and then I actually drove them to downtown instead of Frisco, becuase I wasn't paying attention the the signs that say NORTH & SOUTH.
I can be such a dweeb.

We had lunch at the Cheesecake Factory, shopped the Stonebriar mall...trying on wooden mustaches and lounging in Pottery Barn..., and Patrick made hot wings with sugar fries for dinner, per Allison's request.

The next day we had breakfast at home, then went to the Frisco Mercantile to look for treasures, pigged out at In and Out Burger, got our rings cleaned, shopped around, had a snack at Pink Berry, and went to dinner at Carrabas.

Patrick still hadn't let go of the fact I've never seen The Shinning, so on night one, I found a rental place not far away that actually had the ancient horror movie, and was willing to hold it for me. This began my lucky streak.

Allison and I hit the road to retrieve it. One the way there, I needed to stop at Walgreen's for an errand and discovered they had a slurpee machine with coke icies!!  Another lucky moment.

Upon arrival to the Family Video, I registered our household and when it was time to pay up, my bill was only 54 cents....and I had exact change. WHAT???? Less than a dollar and I get to keep it for 5 days?!?!? I will be a new regular at this place, since rentals over 1 year old cost only $1 and can stay out almost a week! That's amazing lucky moment number 3.

We couldn't stop gibber jabbering on the way home, until I realized I missed my turn a couple of miles down the road and we were minorly lost. Oops. I turned back around, and when I found I street I recognized, made a left. Shortly after, I saw those damn patriotic flashing lights in my rear view mirror. (I know what you're thinking....this is very unlucky, but wait for the rest of the story...) Allison and I debated on the reason I could be getting pulled over. I wasn't speeding, we weren't on the phone, were wearing our seat-belts, and I actually had both hands on the wheel.

Allison: Maybe one of your lights went out??
As I inspected the front of the 4Runner through the windshield, I noticed the headlights seemed a little dim.
Me: Oh my gosh!! The lights weren't on and we didn't notice becuase we were driving around in town!! *I paniked as I turned them on.*
It was about that time the officer approached the passenger window.
Officer: Were your lights on? I didn't noticed your headlights, but your tail lights looked like they were off.
Me: Yes sir, I'm so sorry. I didn't notice they weren't on, so I just turned them on. *Honest is the best policy, right??*
Officer: Can I see your license and insurance?
I dug through my things to make sure my papers had good dates on them, and handed it over.
Officer: Do you live at the address on your License or Insurance?
Me: My insurance.
Officer: How long have you lived there?
Me: 9 months. *Grimace.....again with the honest word vomit.....*
Then he disappeared for a little while, and we started to freak out.
Allison:  OMG, you are sooo going to get a ticket. If you don't I will be really surprised. Your address isn't right on your DL, you had your lights off, and you had multiple expired insurance cards on you.
Me: It's illegal to have multiple insurance cards, even though the expiration is clearly written?? I didn't know that!!!! Holy cow, my registration is 4 months past date and he didn't say anything about that?? Think he darkness was on my side?? Do they find stuff like that out on their little radio??? I can't get a ticket. I wasn't even doing anything wrong!! I'm going to kill Patrick for not having the lights on! They should always be on!!
Allison: Oh ya, you are totally getting a ticket.
As I was pouting, the officer showed up at the window again.
Officer: Well you know why you are being pulled over. And I am giving you 30 days to change the address on your DL. Otherwise, you are free to go.
He didn't even give me a written warning.

And that, my friends, is what it is like to get REAL lucky.......all for a movie that we didn't even finish watching that night. But it was scary....real scary.

P.S. Can someone make me that metal heart with lights in it or buy me the $200 version at the Frisco Mercantile?!?!?


What's the last thing that happened to you to make you feel like you were on a lucky streak??

It's Getting Real: 9 Weeks

Our mini-us is the size of an olive this week and forming muscles to practice it's acrobatic workouts for the next several months....and oh is it taking it's toll on my body!
I always thought being pregnant would be awesome, because I didn't have to face Aunt Flow for 9 whole months or more.....but up until this point I might as well had been facing her every day, and the only evidence I had to feel legitimately pregnant would be:

1. Fighting extreme exhaustion every minute of every day no matter how much rest, to the point that it doesn't even make sense how tired I feel.  I took a nap every day on vacation, and almost died when I had to go back to work for 4, 12hr days, in a row, with no naps!!!! The best analogy I can compare it to, would be to run a half marathon and then have someone inject you with a low dose of Vecuronium (a paralytic)....not enough to make you stop breathing like Michael Jackson did after taking Propofol to sleep (which is a short acting sedative), but enough to for your body to feel 200X heavier and supremely sluggish.

2. Speaking of supreme, I would like a supreme croissant from Jack in the Box, right this minute. Which brings us to my next symptom. Hello nausea, extra saliva, and weird countless food aversions that I never used to have. I have become a carb-a-tarian, since I spend every day just swallowing to keep the vomit down and simple starches seem to be the only thing I can stomach. I've had more Ramen noodles with cheese and crackers in the last few weeks than I have since I was 21 and spent half my days hung over. I crave candy, and despise the smell of meat now, take Phenergan at night and Zofran, Prevacid, and Colace during the day, just to function; that doesn't include my vitamins.....Just call me Peggy-the-pill-popper. 

3. Yes. That's what I feel like. Hung over. Every day. 

4. Does anyone else feel the need to rest their chin on the side of a glass of cold water and just bath their tongue in it? I can't seem to drink enough water before my mouth tricks my body into thinking I just walked through the Sierra Desert. I'm so thirsty, and my heart only has eyes for agua!!!

5. Did I mention it's really hard to feel completely rested when I'm already waking up 4 times a night to pee? Never in a million years did I ever fathom this pregnancy symptom had such an early onset.

6. I feel and look bloated all the time. 

7. If anything graces my extra tender nipples, I have to hold back a yelp. 

8. HELLO increased blood supply to fun places....some of you ladies know what I'm talking about. 

9.  I now am possibly the maker of the stinkiest human made methane this world has to offer. I apologize. 

10. Speaking of stinky, I can smell everything, and most all of it stinks. Too strong, too many aromas mixed together, especially at work. I don't know how dogs do it. It all makes me gag...and I NEVER gag on anything.
11. It's like going through the puberty I never had. And by that I mean, I have at least 3-6 new pimples on my face every day!!! I hear the stronger your body's response to the hormones, the better your pregnancy is going....and based on that assumption, mine must be going amazingly well....But my face?!?!? Can't I at least keep my face???

Source

It's just as well. I hate everything about the month of August anyway, so it's not like I'd be in hog heaven under different circumstances. I just keep telling myself that next month is going to be better. I know it will. Oh ya, and it's all totally worth it; this is what we've been praying for. 

True Love is Funny

How do I know my husband loves me more than anything in the world?

That's easy. Becuase this happened:

Remember the first day of our vacation, when we hung out at a pool for the day? You may have noticed I was laying in a chair placed in the shallow part of the water, so only my butt and the top part of my legs were submerged. A while later I needed to empty my ever full-feeling-bladder-now-days and went to the apartment lobby to find their restrooms. I was feeling way too tired to squat, and I NEVER EVER sit on public toilets bare-butted, so I covered the seat with toilet paper, and did my #1 business.
After walking out of the lobby and all the way around the pool to reach my posse, since all the gates were locked, Patrick made a funny face.

Husband: Babe, seriously? You have toilet paper all over your ass.
Me: What?!?! Are you serious? OMG! (Started to dust off my backside....)
Husband: No, you are never going to get that off. It's everywhere!! Just sit down in the water before anyone else sees!
Me: I just walked all the way around the pool, everyone has seen! It's not from wiping, it's from the laying the paper on the seat when my legs were wet. (Picking tiny pieces of paper off....)
Husband: Okay, sure, just get it off.
Me: (100 shades of red....)
Husband: You are so crazy.

And this happened:

Pregnancy hasn't been the nicest to me in some unspeakable ways, and spending hours upon consecutive hours in the car with me, may not have been Patrick's smartest decision during such a stinky time in my life. As I squeenched my nose, rolled down the window, and hoped the fresh air would reach his olfactory sensors before my rank flatulence did, I began my apology and my vow to try and hold back more from then on.

Husband: Please never hold back your farts. I think it's so awesome that something so stinky can come out of something so beautiful.

Oh how I love that man for accepting me. Every piece of me. And not being too embarrassed to hang out with me after I walked around with wet toilet paper stuck to my backside.

Now that, my friends, is romance in it's true form. 


What's the most unconventional romantic thing that's ever happened to you?

Mt. "Crap"ulin: Day #6

Ahhh.....And the that time always comes. It's inevitable. The sad day when you wake up and yet another vacation has come and gone.

We got up as early as we could to hit the road to home, which wasn't very early at all.

I always dread this day for more than one reason, the greatest being the fact that Patrick never fails to be in a terrible mood on these particular days.

Again, I talked him into doing something he was totally against: stopping to see an extinct volcano in New Mexico. I'd been dying to step foot on it since last February on our way home from skiing, when I noticed there was even a such thing as a volcano in a state so close to us.

We paid the $5 to drive up the National Monument Capulin, and noticed while parking, the vehicle next to us was covered in tiny flying black bugs.

I thought it was maybe just the color of that car they were attracted to, but it turns out they were just most visible on the white, because those bugs were everywhere. They literally attacked us from the time we stepped foot outside, to the time I murdered the last one a few hours later in the car on the way home.

We literally ran downhill, the entire way to the car, tyring not to trip in our flip flops, did our best to brush each other off, and got in the car so fast you'd have thought we were being attacked by blood sucking government formulated mosquitoes sent to extinguish all of mankind. Our car already seemed like a long way down from the top, but the bugs made it feel even longer.

Apparently the extinct cinder cone is about 1 mile in circumference, and from the top (where we were) one can see portions of 4 different states! Texas, Oklahoma, Colorado, and New Mexico.

Smell ya later, "Crap"ulin.

 Was the entry fee worth the peace of mind of knowing I wasn't missing out on anything.........to pay money to be swarmed with disgusting bugs????

Egh...
In all fairness, I'm sure it is actually an amazing place, during a different season, when it isn't swarmed by insects....if there is such a season. But the insects definitely stole it's glory this time around.

Pure Greatness: Day #5

We were wanting some low key physical activity for our last full day of vacation and decided to explore the cute little mountain town of Evergreen.

The lake was walking distance to the main strip, so after taking a stroll around it a couple of times, we walked to the streets to find something for lunch and found a cozy bistro to hit the spot.

On our way back we shopped at the tiniest Farmer's Market I've ever seen, bought the best tasting homemade kettle popcorn I've ever laid taste buds on, and got some homemade good smelling soaps for the women of the family. They all smelled so good it was hard to choose, but I finally settled on some favorites.

Does this gate seem strange to anyone else??

On the way back home, we found some tempting hiking trails, so we decided to stop and explore. As the trails zigzagged, we laugh about how one direction it looked like hiking in southern California, and in the opposite directions it looked like hiking in Colorado.

There were some pretty cool houses built up in these mountains. I always wonder what those people do for a living.

I finally got my humming bird shot, though not as cool as the one drinking from the fountain would have been.

We stopped at Nuyo for one last hoorah, and let Howard and Angel lick the bowls clean. They LOVED it. The most hilarious part was when Howard lifted his head and the bowl was stuck to his face!!! Classic.

 When evening came, it was time to go to the Morrison Inn for some cheese enchiladas and a sizzling burrito. How do I say...?..?...it hit the spot!

Stu hooked us up with a girl that works at the Red Rocks Amphitheater, and she drove us up the hill, past all the stairs, straight to the back stage, in the same van that carries the bands to the stage. It was great, and much need. I would have been toast after all those stairs with those enchiladas and queso in by belly!! She tried to upgrade our seats to VIP, but the concert was completely sold out and everyone showed up. The reason is obvious.....Jack White is pure greatness.

His skills are legit, and his authentic qualities shined through during his performance with his all girl band, the Peacocks, who all wore white and also had stellar skills. His music is so versatile, from bluegrass/country/fold to rock/alternative/blues, it can be appreciated by so many types of people, and he played a mixture of it all on stage, including some of my favorite songs from his bands White Strips and Raconteurs and Dead Weather.  He even played "We're Going to Be Friends", which I was hoping I would hear, and Patrick didn't think it would happen! Keep faith, it always pays off.

At one point in the night, he looked up at the crowd while playing the piano and said, "They did a really good job of painting this theater to look like the outdoors. There's not enough oxygen up here! I got to keep telling my lungs to breathe, and I haven't talked to my lungs like this in a long time. We're going to make it."

6 songs for the encore got us all really excited, and each one was just better and better.

Did I mention the sound halfway up the theater was absolutely perfect? What about the weather....did I tell you how refreshing the mountain breeze was??? And the view, can it even be described by words? Those Denver people really know how to light up the sky with green. Patrick and I both agreed it was most we'd ever been around at a concert, EVER.

And the opener Pokey LaFarge, born in the wrong decade, by a few, with old school charm and a sound inspired by swing/bluegrass/blues, was so fun.

Check them both out.

Miracle in the Making: 6 Weeks

I couldn't resist interrupting our vacation-picture-stream with an exciting announcement.....So here goes:

It doesn't even make sense, really.

After 14 months of suspicion to every detail, I put a halt to all hopeful wishes and decided to ride the coaster of life carefree, expectation free.

Of course I carried a supply of feminine products with me everywhere for 2 weeks, waiting for the usually late and habitually untimely arrival of dear Aunt Flow. But not only did the cramps not subside, one day my upper lady parts became so hyper-sensitive, I began to develop a hatred for every shirt I owned.

It was only then, I started counting the days since Auntie's last visit. When the hell is she going to stop torturing me and just come already??

6 weeks?!?!?

I counted back over the past year, three times that night, to make ensure she hadn't disappeared for quite that long in the past.

July 20, a Friday morning, I got off work a little early, killed time at J's Donuts until the local CVS unlocked their doors, and preceded to buy one of the most expensive tests they had stocked...choosing the name brand that offered the $2 off  coupon, of course. If this was going to be the day, it was going to be confirmed with one of those extra special overpriced digital sticks....not one of those basic ghetto generic of the generic kinds I usually bought at the dollar store that didn't even have a real place to pee on.

I surprised Patrick with a Monster and a variety of Kolaches to start his work day off on a great foot, and then squeezed my eyes tight. I promised myself I would have patience, and wait until I awoke for the day to stream on that holy stick (apparently according to the manufacturer, not only holy, but also made of gold).

11:30 am.

I didn't make it long. The suspense was as tight as my bladder, which is completely uncharacteristic of me on both accounts.

11:32 am.

Hot diggity dog. I am in complete shock.

11:34 am.

Taking picture of the test. Maybe it will feel real soon.

11:36 am.

Uploading the picture and sending it to Walgreens for immediate development.

Sleeping was out of the question; my brain was going a million miles per hour, and I thought I might spontaneously combust if I didn't tell Patrick soon. But I knew I should take the time to make this moment extra special. By the time I weighed in at Weight Watchers, and brushed off the lady's look of healthy-eating-failure when she documented my weight gain in a single week of 3 pounds (damn you water weight, damn you), I had an idea. I ran my errands, got everything set up at home, and tried once again to squeeze my eyelids tight to make the time pass.

5:00 pm.

I'm all ready for work. Lunch packed. Surprise set and ready.

5:20 pm.

That was the longest 20 minutes of my life. Still starring out the window, waiting for Patrick's arrival home.

5:25 pm.

Calling Patrick to tell him he's 5 minutes late! (Doesn't he know I am bursting at the seams???) I give him the excuse that the puppies are waiting on him, and I wanted to give him a kiss before I leave for work. (Not a surprise he's at Wal-mart getting supplies to cook for the weekend on the smoker Ken brought him the day before. Men and their priorities.)

When he finally made his appearance, I sneakily pressed record on the not-so-hidden-camera I knew he wouldn't notice, and let the scene unfold in complete utter disbelief that the whole thing was happening. 

It's hard believing in miracles, especially when you've waited for a particular one on pins and needles for what feels like a short eternity; Patrick wasn't exactly quick to give in.

But when the information finally hit him, he floated to the kitchen, took me in his arms, and embraced me (us) with such overflowing love, it was hard for either of us to speak without quivering voices.

The entire day could be described by three words:

Exciting. Terrifying. And mostly, surreal.

So, with that being said.......

WE'RE HAVING A BABY!